When Your Parents Are Dead and Gone

I used to look forward to the long holiday break for Hari Raya when my parents were still alive. It has been 15 to 20 years now and our family home in Seberang Jaya in Penang is still vacant as all members of the family are in Kuala Lumpur, with only my younger sister settling down in Melaka.

Me and my elder sister want to keep the house as we feel that we don’t have to worry about staying in a hotel when we go to Penang or Seberang Jaya for our holidays. At least we can get together in our family home during Hari Raya. The rest don't agree as they want the house sold.

My late parents are buried close to each other at the Muslim graveyard in Permatang Pasir. My eldest sister also lost her husband due to cancer more than five years ago. As she is a housewife with three school going children – all girls – I offered my home to her and the girls.

My eldest sister and her kids are now staying with me in Kuala Lumpur. After their recent graduation, the second sister of the siblings got a job as a reporter in a Malay tabloid, while the eldest finally was offered a bank job this week.

That leaves the youngest, who has a degree in graphic design, without a permanent job. She was working as a customer service assistant at a new petrol station during the fasting month for two weeks until it had to go for a temporary shutdown for reasons which she could not explain.

But Hari Raya has always been spent in Seberang Jaya, with or without our parents. As I have been single all these years, it was much easier for me to spend my Raya with my elder sister and the girls. The rest of my family – brothers and youngest sister – have their own life and family.

In Seberang Jaya, the first day is spent going to the nearest mosque for Aidilfitri prayers, and followed by visits to the graveyards of my parents in Permatang Pasir and my eldest sister’s late husband in Seberang Jaya.

As our Malay tradition, we would either exchange our salam and seek for forgiveness (Maaf Zahir Batin) from each other after prayers or at home after our visits.

I don’t really look forward to going back to Penang as most of my friends are in KL, unlike my sister and the kids, who still have friends in Seberang Jaya. After all, they have been residing in this new township for many years, while I have been away far too long, having spent studying in UiTM, Shah Alam and working in Kuala Lumpur all these years after graduation.

Hari Raya preparation then, that is, when your parents were still alive—was elaborate. It was not so much of the décor -- well, we made it a point to change our curtains every year -- but the furniture’s still the same. But food preparation was elaborate unlike today.

My late mother used to go through the tedious and hard way of preparing her food. It was worse 20 to 30 years ago when we had to use the ‘primitive way’ of ‘grinding’ chilly using the ‘batu tumbuk’ or ‘batu giling’ compared to the present blending machine. Coconuts are also grinded manually using the ‘kelapa parut’ or the so-called wooden horse machine.

The machine is no longer in production and has made way for an electric grinder which has a round cover. Still, this is done manually. All you need is to place half of the coconut on the grinder. You have to do it standing as there is no wooden platform for you to sit like the old wooden horse machine. These machines are available in kampongs and sundry shops.

Many housewives in the city have found the short cut to all these laborious jobs. Coconut milk are usually available in wet markets, but the bad news is you need to queue up and mind you, it’s a long long queue at these markets in the morning, that is one day before Raya.

Modern housewives have even resorted to packaged coconut milk which are equally good. My sister has resorted to this for her rendang and it tastes as good with or without fresh coconut milk.

My late mother used to make the best kuah kacang or peanut gravy on the eve of Raya. We usually eat this with nasi himpit (ketupat nasi) and kuah lodeh. This is our yearly Raya menu. Nasi himpit is usually done the traditional way by placing newly cooked rice into white cloth.

Batu giling (flat stone with a cylindrical stone) is placed on top of the white rice which has been properly tied and flattened. The batu giling adds pressure onto the white rice. Thus, the name nasi himpit. (himpit means pressed or crushed).The nasi himpit will be ready to be sliced the next morning.

Today,my late mother’s kuah kacang recipe has found its way into Matt’s corner, a Malay restaurant in Taman Melawati, which sells kuah kacang and rendang, which are its specialties. Of course at home, you need to pour the kuah kacang gravy in a pot mixed with water and stir it well. It will be ready for serving once you have blended the mixture thoroughly. You can rest assure it tastes home made, and my family and close friend Fatimah, are satisfied customers!

I have not gone back to my family home for Raya over the past few years. I don’t see why not when home is where my heart is – Kuala Lumpur. And Kuala Lumpur being the centre, is now the meeting point for my family members during Hari Raya.

Selamat Hari Raya maaf zahir batin to all Muslims.